gar's thought hole

no blogs @ werk, kthxbai

my work has shut down blogs.  reading, writing, etc.  so my already poor track record will only spiral lower and lower until you might start to wonder whether or not i am still alive.

well let me tell you this: i will be alive for at least the next 5 or 10 years.  so fear not.  although the posts may be few and far between, my life force will eke out a meager decade or so before petering to a whimpering halt.

anyway, i didn't start this post to talk about when i might or might not kick the bucket.  i started this post to tell you all about the time i shined my own shoes.  that time, my friends, was just now.  

you may be wondering what gives with the melodrama.  well, i'm watching hillary's concession speech and it's vibe is rubbing off on me.

anywho, i shined my shoes and they look so awesome.  my rite aid mule-hair brush lost about 50% of it's bristles and the fumes from the sub-standard polish have rendered me unable to perform tasks requiring any amount of fine motor skills, but god damn it, those shoes SHINE!!!

-gar

p.s. also, my cats are awesome and i love them.

rough times in gar town

over the past week i've been on a new medication which has made me extremely tired, which is great during the night, but hard to deal with at work.  finally, i grew accustomed to the drug and i've begun to feel all right during the day as well as the night.  but then, i got food poisoning.  i spent the better part of yesterday puking my guts out and feeling extremely cold although i was sweating profusely.  at one point, i ran to the bathroom to vomit, but couldn't make it to the toilet, so i let loose in the sink.  as i was expelling partially digested food, i passed out and began to tremble violently.  i came to a moment later and felt extremely awful. 

i feel a lot better now however, which is good because i need to go to work and do important things. 

UPDATE: I'm still very sick.  i just puked at work.  going home...

and i got a raise!  which is good because weddings are expensive.  i'm going to pick up my new suit tomorrow.

-gar

p.s. but on the bright side, nar has been here for a week and we played some wow and hung out with my cats.  and that was awesome.  also, brook and i figured out some more shit for our wedding, bringing the number of stressful and time-consuming tasks down to a somewhat manageable number.

p.p.s. i also walked for the cure, and i found it!

but then at the last second, my soon-to-be nephew threw a rock at me making me flinch causing this photo to become mangled and the cure to slip through my grasp.

here's a shot of the huge amount of people who accompanied me on this three kilometer walking.  the amount of people behind me was just as massive.

kinja dies today :(

kinja was so awesome, but it died, like things tend to do.

the closest thing to a replacement i could find is this thing:

http://feed.informer.com/

it'll do, but you have to find the RSS feed of each blog which isn't always easy, but feed.informer does what it can if you just punch in the blog's address.

-gar

p.s. sometimes i think that onion article about commas was written for me.

p.p.s. can anyone help me stop Audacity from corrupting and distorting the living shit out of my files?  i'll post an example later to make you all cry like i cry.

p.p.p.s. oh yeah, hail satan!

i know, right?

the real reason why i haven't been blogging is because all of the things i do on a day to day basis, are the most conventional, soul-leaching and embarrassingly fun tasks i've ever performed.

wedding invitations
catering
a tuxedo
a dress
rings (that cost 1 million dollars)
a venue
pornography
etc.

i mean, i think you get the point here guys.  there's only so much blushing this blushing bride can do.

-gar

p.s. i got this record player with a usb output.  i also bought a needle so that i can play 78s (old-timey records).  i also downloaded this software that allows me to record and edit (audacity; free, awesome).  it can record the 78 at 45 rpm and then speed it up and bam!  i've got a real razzle-dazzle, hotsy-totsy tin-pan-alley rowdy-dow hitting on all sixes!

example.

p.p.s. if you have any records you want imported, let me know.  it's a real hoot.

p.p.p.s. know any good vegetarian caterers with a liquor license?  ability to cook non-vegetarian food a plus.

p.p.p.p.s. know a good place to rent a suit that will turn me into interpol for a night?

example:

p.p.p.p.p.s. most importantly, anyone know someone who can officiate our wedding, someone who is old enough to give it an air of seriousness, but also cool enough to maintain an earthly and gender-neutral tone?

let me know.

august 30th!

contrary to initial reports, the wedding is actually going to happen on august 30th, which, as you all know, is Victory Day in Turkey.

we're not inviting any deities, except for Tiamat, the goddess of chaos.

bring your dancing shoes and your drunken toasts.

-gar

p.s. maybe Marilyn Manson can officiate or does anyone know any other Reverends in the Church of Satan? 

brook and i...

are not getting married.

-gar

hello spleen, goodbye space...

the totally awesome space in which spleen has practiced these many years has been sold from out beneath our feet.  in memoriam, we are having an informal gathering/show/practice/me playing the opening riff to as many pearl jam songs i can learn between now and then/nar will be here for spring break/whatever else on friday night.  i can't remember when it starts, but i think it has to be done by midnight, so be there around 10, ok?  the space is just east of 9th and 9th.  just listen for me wailing smells like teen spirit or other songs that aren't ween or the much louder gnashing of teeth coming from the other members of spleen.

bring booze, sandwiches or prescription drugs (the latter in honour of heath RIP).  oh yeah, and somebody bring some pellegrino for terrell.

-gener

p.s. dear watchers of the wire, can you believe XXXX got CAPPED?!!!!!!!!  i simply cannot.

es ist freitag!

so i bought some dress shirts from nordstrom rack for super cheap.  one of them, it turns out, requires cuff links.  so brohawk, in all her glory, got me some sweet ones.  as a result i felt the need to wear the shirt today.  so i here i am, feeling all cool, with cuff links, a tie, and a suit jacket.  but then, i realize, i'm wearing gross ass socks that smell like feces.  i guess you can put the gar in a suit, but you can't take the nast out of the gar.

-gar

p.s.

they were trying to dislodge this massive piece of concrete from the former ZCMI center.  the machine they were using was trying so hard that one of it's pneumatic tubes blew out and the forearm of the mighty beast fell 4 or five stories to the ground.  the blown-out tube was gushing out fluid as the crew tried to operate the broken arm.  then some dudes finally walked around and saw that it was mangled. 

i guess there's the upside to having a completely destroyed downtown, seeing sweet crap sometimes.

p.p.s.

with the addition of the new front room, the cats have been introduced to sunlight.  i can has vitamin d?

speaking of "i can has" things, you all have spent hours at http://icanhascheezburger.com/ i presume.

fatigue

i slept way too little friday and saturday night.  then i slept way too much sunday and monday night.  result?  mangled.

-gar

p.s. y'all voting today?

p.p.s. brothers solomon is actually funny.  definitely worth watching.  do it.

handwashing

between michael showalter's amazing bit on it and reading an article about how men don't typically wash their hands after using the bathroom, i have felt more and more compelled to come out about how i feel about this important issue.

i don't wash my hands after i pee.  why?  because i don't touch anything that would contaminate them.  feet or paper towels are used on handles and with my patented "two thumbed, underwear waist-band penile-suspension technique", i don't have to touch it in order to hoist it into position.

so leave me alone.

men, weigh in.  women, figure your own shit out.

-gar