story (i hope you're happy brook)

A drug-addicted gynecologist, a robotic dentist, and a spastic prostitute start a homeless shelter on a cruise ship.

by gar

"girl, we gots to do something about these hobos!" read the ticker-tape as it spewed out of a metal box.

a middle aged woman read it and then typed "A-G-R-E-E-D" into the keyboard affixed to the top of the metal box.

"But first Delores, you best get yo teeth in my hole."  the woman knelt down and placed her face into a face-sized hole on the front of the box.  after some buzzing and whirring she removed her face and smiled into the mirror that had now replaced the face-shaped hole.  her teeth shined brightly as she licked them.

she stood again and typed "VERY NICE.  WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THESE HOBOS.  EVER SINCE THAT LEGISLATION WAS PASSED THEY'VE BEEN SQUATTING ON OUR ONCE PROUD POOP DECK."

"yeah, it's gotten so bad, i cain't even play no shuffleboard!"

"YOU KNOW, THIS TICKER-TAPE THING IS GETTING OLD, WILL YOU PLEASE TURN ON YOUR VOICE MODULE?"

A very loud fan noise began to emanate from the box.  "ok, but you know how much processing power this takes?  now i can't even handle my street-slang plug-in."

"two birds, one stone." Delores spoke aloud.

"what's a bird," said the box, "or a stone for that matter?"

"you've been on this boat too long.  hey, can i ask a favor?  i need to borrow your hole."

***

"now say 'aahhhhh'" laughed Delores.

"that's not funny" Gina said as she straddled the box.

"what is it this time?"

"what isn't it this time.  you know this cruise line doesn't attract the most elite clientele.  i need all the help you can give me."

a ticker-tape fell onto Gina's bare leg which she picked up and read aloud, "i ain't getting paid enough fo this shit."

***

the lunch room was packed as usual as Gina, Delores & the box entered.  Gina began to work the room as Delores sauntered up to the sushi bar.  the box followed Delores as she got her food and sat down at the nearest, emptiest table.  They watched Gina walk up to man sitting alone.  a conversation between them ensued and the man reached into his pockets and pulled them out.  a bit of lint and a dead moth fell to the floor.  Gina stood up, huffed and then puffed, and stormed away shouting, "Fucking hobos!"

Gina sat down with D-Lor* and MC BOX* and started crying.

"what if we poisoned some food and left it on the poop deck?" the box suggested over the sound of his cooling fan.

"well if capital murder is your thing, i suppose that's a viable option." Delores responded.

"i could try and fuck em to death. try and  make it look like an accident?" Gina sobbed.

"we'd need a thousand of the box's holes to clean you after that."

the loud humming of the fan subsided as a ticker-tape began to print, "why don't we start a mofucking shelta fo these fools.  herd em up like and keep em away from the custies and not bring the 5-0 up on us?"

the two women nodded as smiles crept onto their faces.  at this point, Gina's eyes glazed over and rolled back into her head.  she fell to the floor and started convulsing.  "fuck!  she's seizing again!  get a spoon!"

the box sped out of the room.  shortly after he left a very loud explosion was heard.

***

"THIS IS THE CAPTAIN SPEAKING, WE HAVE LOST OUR MAIN POWER SUPPLY"

the box smoked a cigarette as he watched Delores and Gina devour one another in an apocalyptic orgy.  "this blow's fucking great!" Delores yelped as she snorted a line off of Gina's nether-regions.

"BACK UP POWER FAILI---"

the lights dimmed and when it was completely dark all that could be heard was the sound of ticker-tape soaking up the byproduct of loveless, desperate abandon.

***

the next day the newspaper told the tale of the galaxy's finest cruise ship, with hundreds of men, women, children, robots, & hobos aboard, crashing into a rogue asteroid.  it was a good thing too, otherwise this horrendous writing exercise would've required an actual ending.  word is bond.

THE END

*when i stopped giving a fuck entirely.

Comments

[boobs radley]

heyyyyyyy... i like, know this guy.

[eric]

Sorry. http://www.thatsplenty.com/2006/10/colossal_short_story.html

[b-hole]

Glorious! Keep up the good work. In fact, I think it might be a good idea to start with a title someone else creates.
It isn't so hard rocking ass, isn't it?

Even now as I die, I truly know what it means to be allliiiivvvee....

[clarkhole]

rapt (thats what i was when i read your story) rapt