gar's thought hole

blogging from e-mail?

does this even work? i don't know.

even though i try to abstain from caffeine (because i'm a word of wisdom abiding mormon) the DewMocracy challenge's beckoning was stronger than my own personal testimony of jesus christ. now, having tried all three of the retardedly named flavors i have to say, THEY'RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME! they taste no different than pitch black and vary only slightly from the orange and red versions. it seems OG MD is the only one that has a distinct flav. so, even in the fantasy land of the soda drink, democracy is a crock of shit.

i got a book, it is entitled The Big Curmudgeon (a nice companion piece to The Big Book of Irony). most of the awesome quotes i've read so far are from H L Mencken and Nietzsche. let me see if i can find some of them (i left the book at home):

googles "sweet quotes"

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats."

-HLM

"In the United States, doing good has come to be, like patriotism, a favorite device of persons with something to sell."

-HLM

"The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad."

-FN

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same god who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."

-Galileo Galilei

"I believe that a triangle, if it could speak, would say that God is eminently triangular, and a circle that the divine nature is eminently circular..."

-Baruch Spinoza

well, that's enough for now, but i recommend the book. it's good for both a laugh and a cry.

-gar

p.s. so apparently i don't talk about shit enough, well...

i don't shit very much, ok? it's a problem. i take fiber pills and everything. the only way i can be guaranteed to shit more than once a week and more than little pebbles, is to take Senna. Senna will, in 6-9 hours, clear out my guttyworks. all of them. my belly will quake with agony as all the remnants of past meals flush their way through the bowel, large and small, colon and anus, until i find myself nursing with medicated wipes the ring of spicy baked beans my inflamed rectum has become. then, for further insult, the toilet refuses to flush the rock solid mass of faeces that rests at the bottom of the chamberpot, immovable and rank, peaking above the surface of the putrid wastewater to further emit it's miasmic scent. this is where the common man is forced to become macguyver, using whatever implements are at hand (and sometimes, it is just that, a hand) to break up the coagulated nast until after several flushes, and much plunging, the load is birthed into the sewage system to cause even the most seasoned of waste management workers to challenge not only their profession but life itself.

Test from mobile phone.

BIRDS!

.

for some reason it sounds like we were under sniper fire during this video.

A couple weeks ago, Brook and i took our Bi-Annual trip to the Tracy Aviary.  There, a peacock ate out of our hands.  it was both scary and fun.

Today, Brook and i had lunch with my broheim and his scion at Liberty Park.

many, many birds were there.

brohawk and "every which way but luce"!

brohawk and i practicing being wed at a wedding reception.

an oldie but goodie from back when brohawk and i traveled to vegas for about 6 hours.  we won big!  we found a $17 voucher in a video poker machine and turned it into $67 in a wheel of fortune slot machine!  yay!

remember when i said my cats were awesome?  i wasn't fucking around.

-gar

no blogs @ werk, kthxbai

my work has shut down blogs.  reading, writing, etc.  so my already poor track record will only spiral lower and lower until you might start to wonder whether or not i am still alive.

well let me tell you this: i will be alive for at least the next 5 or 10 years.  so fear not.  although the posts may be few and far between, my life force will eke out a meager decade or so before petering to a whimpering halt.

anyway, i didn't start this post to talk about when i might or might not kick the bucket.  i started this post to tell you all about the time i shined my own shoes.  that time, my friends, was just now.  

you may be wondering what gives with the melodrama.  well, i'm watching hillary's concession speech and it's vibe is rubbing off on me.

anywho, i shined my shoes and they look so awesome.  my rite aid mule-hair brush lost about 50% of it's bristles and the fumes from the sub-standard polish have rendered me unable to perform tasks requiring any amount of fine motor skills, but god damn it, those shoes SHINE!!!

-gar

p.s. also, my cats are awesome and i love them.

rough times in gar town

over the past week i've been on a new medication which has made me extremely tired, which is great during the night, but hard to deal with at work.  finally, i grew accustomed to the drug and i've begun to feel all right during the day as well as the night.  but then, i got food poisoning.  i spent the better part of yesterday puking my guts out and feeling extremely cold although i was sweating profusely.  at one point, i ran to the bathroom to vomit, but couldn't make it to the toilet, so i let loose in the sink.  as i was expelling partially digested food, i passed out and began to tremble violently.  i came to a moment later and felt extremely awful. 

i feel a lot better now however, which is good because i need to go to work and do important things. 

UPDATE: I'm still very sick.  i just puked at work.  going home...

and i got a raise!  which is good because weddings are expensive.  i'm going to pick up my new suit tomorrow.

-gar

p.s. but on the bright side, nar has been here for a week and we played some wow and hung out with my cats.  and that was awesome.  also, brook and i figured out some more shit for our wedding, bringing the number of stressful and time-consuming tasks down to a somewhat manageable number.

p.p.s. i also walked for the cure, and i found it!

but then at the last second, my soon-to-be nephew threw a rock at me making me flinch causing this photo to become mangled and the cure to slip through my grasp.

here's a shot of the huge amount of people who accompanied me on this three kilometer walking.  the amount of people behind me was just as massive.

kinja dies today :(

kinja was so awesome, but it died, like things tend to do.

the closest thing to a replacement i could find is this thing:

http://feed.informer.com/

it'll do, but you have to find the RSS feed of each blog which isn't always easy, but feed.informer does what it can if you just punch in the blog's address.

-gar

p.s. sometimes i think that onion article about commas was written for me.

p.p.s. can anyone help me stop Audacity from corrupting and distorting the living shit out of my files?  i'll post an example later to make you all cry like i cry.

p.p.p.s. oh yeah, hail satan!

i know, right?

the real reason why i haven't been blogging is because all of the things i do on a day to day basis, are the most conventional, soul-leaching and embarrassingly fun tasks i've ever performed.

wedding invitations
catering
a tuxedo
a dress
rings (that cost 1 million dollars)
a venue
pornography
etc.

i mean, i think you get the point here guys.  there's only so much blushing this blushing bride can do.

-gar

p.s. i got this record player with a usb output.  i also bought a needle so that i can play 78s (old-timey records).  i also downloaded this software that allows me to record and edit (audacity; free, awesome).  it can record the 78 at 45 rpm and then speed it up and bam!  i've got a real razzle-dazzle, hotsy-totsy tin-pan-alley rowdy-dow hitting on all sixes!

example.

p.p.s. if you have any records you want imported, let me know.  it's a real hoot.

p.p.p.s. know any good vegetarian caterers with a liquor license?  ability to cook non-vegetarian food a plus.

p.p.p.p.s. know a good place to rent a suit that will turn me into interpol for a night?

example:

p.p.p.p.p.s. most importantly, anyone know someone who can officiate our wedding, someone who is old enough to give it an air of seriousness, but also cool enough to maintain an earthly and gender-neutral tone?

let me know.

august 30th!

contrary to initial reports, the wedding is actually going to happen on august 30th, which, as you all know, is Victory Day in Turkey.

we're not inviting any deities, except for Tiamat, the goddess of chaos.

bring your dancing shoes and your drunken toasts.

-gar

p.s. maybe Marilyn Manson can officiate or does anyone know any other Reverends in the Church of Satan? 

brook and i...

are not getting married.

-gar

amazing things:

comedy:

&

lulz: Mutilated Furries, Flying Phalluses

-gar